When Claudia dropped Shae off the next morning the living room had been restored to a functional state minus any design sensibility.
Nathan stood at the door smiling as he watched his beautiful bubbly daughter bounce up the driveway with a smile on her face. Hugging her Dad she turned to wave at her mom as she drove off. Shae stood Zen-like in the center of the living room for a moment, and then gathered up a few good books and plunked herself down on the floor.
Nathan took that as an opening to get some work done on the never ending job search. After all, it was Monday morning and the outlook for the week’s progress was hopeful. No longer than ten minutes had passed before Shae came into the kitchen to seek his attention.
Feeling somewhat frustrated at having been stopped before he got started his job search time interrupted he appealed to her good senses. “Is there someone you want to invite over to play while I try to get some work done?” As the words left his month the logic of asking a kid who didn’t speak a question hit a trigger. His mood swung quickly from warm and loving to irritable. “Oh… What am I asking You for?”
As he turned away from her back to his pile of papers he heard a voice in his head; “Someone was here last night Daddy, a stranger. Why are you afraid of being alone? You have all you need.” He whipped around to trace the source of the voice and came face-to-face with Shae, who had crept up beside him, her expression both puzzled and focused, yet free of judgment or condemnation. Genuine love exuded from her large eyes. There was no need to apologize for the truth.
The experience jolted Nathan’s fairly black and white way of seeing things. He wanted to deny the episode yet it felt so sharp and real; not hazy like those experiences which feel like they are part dream and part reality only you can’t tell which one is which. Giving his daughter a hug, he didn’t answer her but instead pointed her back to her play things with the promise that they would play together after lunch. Shae was an easy kid to be with, no question. She kept herself amused and was pretty low maintenance as kids go.
When Nathan finally left his pile of possibilities on the left side of his desk, Shae had done her own bit of decorating in the living room. It looked better, he had to admit. It was just the way she had arranged things, placing them with deliberate intent. His mind began to record these details with rising interest. He was prepared to admit to himself that until now, he really hadn’t tuned in to who Shae was as a person. Home life had been a din of demands that superseded any capacity he had to take in and absorb the people in his life.
When Nathan and Shae made their way to the playground, the first person he searched for was Sue. Neither she nor her son was there. A new group of women were standing together. They noticed his arrival and meandered on over to introduce themselves.
An athletic looking woman named Pam was the first to speak.
“So you’re Nathan?”
”Yes.”
A second woman, quite attractive piped in, “So, where’s your wife?
“Visiting her mom and dad.”
”Permanently?”
The question caught Nathan off guard not so much because of the question itself. It had something to do with how it was asked, as if there was a motive behind the query. He didn’t like it.
”Hard to say.”
They surround him, glad to be near a man, up close and personal. Nathan couldn’t say he was unhappy to get the attention but at the same time something didn’t feel right. His personal space felt invaded. These women didn’t seem to be aware of boundaries. He knew he could get laid in a heartbeat if he wanted to. After the weekend experience, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to.
Surveying them attentively he asked, “Where are your husbands?" The two women looked at each other and rolled their eyes.
“I’m Pam; this is Joyce.”
Joyce responded. “Working, all day, every day, most nights too. Seven days a week.”
Curious Nathan pried. “What do they do?”
Again Joyce took the lead. “Corporate executives, married to their jobs and to the company. We don’t see them much. By the time they do get home, there isn’t much left to give us.” The words conveyed a certain amount of resentment, acceptance and resignation all at once. Nathan squirmed. It sounded familiar. Too familiar.
”So where does that leave you?”
Pam and Joyce looked at one another and giggled. Joyce was mischievous. ”Looking for some fun. We love our kids but it’s great to remember we have a vocabulary.”
Pam looked Nathan directly. “What about you? Are you looking for something more than a playground excursion?” Behind the question Nathan got the suggestion. These women didn’t mince words.
“Not sure what you mean by that so ... thanks. And no. I am here with my daughter.”
Shae miraculously showed up by his side, appearing out of nowhere. Taking his hand, she lead him away until they reached a spot out of visual range of the women, then they sat down. Nathan sat down on a bench feeling quite shaken by the whole exchange. One part of him felt flattered and the other part felt exposed, vulnerable and tense. He was relieved to be out of eyeshot so much so that he didn’t really notice what Shae was doing.
Shae stood directly in front of him with her hand on his heart; the other hand moving gently over his body.
“What are you doing?” She focused her gaze directly at his chest. His breathing had calmed. His heart felt like it had moved from his throat to his chest. Breathing came easier. He felt himself sink more into his body. The intensity had released. Odd. That was the only word that came to mind. Oddly peaceful. As he watched Shae complete her movements the thought occurred to him that if anyone else had told him a child could take you from a near anxiety attack to a place of calm, he’d tell them they were crazy. Shae’s silent voice confirmed her presence.
”You forget to breathe when you’re scared.”
Looking at her with a profound sense of appreciation he replied, “Yes, I do.” A pause later he added, “Thank You.”
She took her Dad’s hand and together they walked across the field. Coincidentally, Tod and Sue were just stepping on to the field.
”So how’s it going?” Sue greeted him warmly. He felt no sense of threat from her. He was grateful. The kids ran off Tod clicking away.
“Honestly?”
Sue crinkled her face,”Is there any other way?”
Nathan shrugged. The truth flowed easily. “Well, I’m still trying to find a job. I’ve been rejected for positions I’m over-qualified for. And Shae keeps surprising me ... pulls the rug out from under me.”
”Oh? How so?”
Nathan’s observations gushed out. Even he was surprised at what he was saying.
”Well for one, though she hasn’t said a word in her life, we seem to be able to communicate pretty well. Just a moment ago ... this will sound weird ... she waved her hands at me and I felt better afterward ... way better. I’m not sure what that tells me. I don’t believe it yet something is going on I can’t explain.”
Sue smiled. “Hmm ... you have one special kid there.”
”Yes, I’m beginning to see that. It’s freaking me out a bit. Admittedly at first she felt like a burden.”
Sue nodded, “She’s been diagnosed as autistic?”
”Yes. Since she’s five and still hasn’t spoken a word I guess it does make sense. From the little I’ve read she fits the description except for the part where she is supposed to be anti-social...”
They look out and see Shae and Tod interacting happily.
”...and in her own little world, withdrawn and disconnected. She exudes peace. She’s happy all the time, knows when I lie or stretch the truth, even seems to know when someone has been in the house when she’s not there. She makes herself quite clear, is incredibly kind to me even when I’ve not been kind to her. Actually, the only part of the description that makes any sense is the part about late language development, something I’m going to have to deal with fast. She’s supposed to start school soon.”
”You may want to take her to a place I’m taking Tod to.”
”What place is that?”
”It’s a ranch near here, where horses do the teaching.”
Nathan scoffed. “Horses… teach? I don’t even like horses.”
Sue smiled again, with that familiar patient look on her face. “Fortunately, you don’t have to like someone or something to learn from it.”
Nathan’s cynicism was blatant. “How will that help her in school? What do horses know about people? How can a horse teach a person anything? Sounds like a crock to me.”
”Well, fortunately, not everyone sees it that way. Anyway, when you’re ready we can all go. It isn’t far from here and they’re used to working with kids who relate to the world differently. Adults learn more than the kids do usually.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Most adults think that they know everything there is to know, especially when their kids are around. Horses have a way of showing us what we can’t see.”
Nathan shook his head out of pure disbelief. “Well I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Sue laughed while at the same time moving on with her day.
“Just let me know...OK?”
”Yeah-yeah-yeah ... I will.” When hell freezes over, he thought.
After Shae was in bed, Nathan sat on the couch reflecting on the day’s events. He felt exhausted on every level imaginable. Was he getting sick? What was going on?
His resolute determination to get a job was going nowhere. Things were turning up that just didn’t fit any notion of reality he had become comfortable with. The glass of Jim Beam was at least reassuring. Taking one last swig, oblivious to the fact that Shae stood watching him from the top of the stairs, he paused staring at the glass pondering the notion that while Mr. Beam could be his best friend right now, it might also be his worst enemy.
Next Week: Chapter 8
Your feedback is welcome. Twitter EPDawna
March, 2009 www.FromInsightToAction.com
All Rights Reserved.
Comments