For Chapters 1-4 see the side panel.
It was a beautiful morning with the sun streaming in through the window illuminating Shae who pulled one of her toys out of the bin and sat down to play. Periodically she glanced at her father who was in the kitchen. He actually loved to cook but hadn’t had time to do so for years. As he stared at the list of ingredients a voice echoed in this head. [It’s going to be OK Daddy. I’m with you.] He swung around to see Shae. She was staring right at him, her eyes boring a hole through his psyche. Weird. Shae’s had never said anything in her life. The idea that is was her was preposterous.
Thinking he was imaging things he mumbled, ”Nothing can help me now except for a cookbook or a cook.” Nathan dismissed the cookbook along with his rising sense of inadequancy, as he turned to the frying pan.
”How about scrambled eggs?” Shae made a face. “A smoothie?” Her face lit up as she gave him a smile with those huge beautiful eyes and then returned to her play.
Feeling creative Nathan whirred up a smoothie that even he would eat. As they sat down together to sip on their chocolate banana smoothie Nathan’s mind wandered to a vacant place as he mused on how his brain had taken a vacation. Even the simplest of tasks felt overwhelming. What was wrong with him? He felt so out of control. The very thought of work brought on panic and an unfeeling void. Panic prevailed.
The day went by slowly like one of those summer days that never ended. He and Shae went for a walk, then played in the yard yet all the time Nathan couldn’t shake a guilty feeling that he couldn’t afford to delay finding work. At the same time, the more he thought of pushing himself, the more he felt like lying down and waiting until that feeling passed. His brain felt numb. He felt numb. He was there yet not there. Lost in space. Feeling doubt and afraid for what lay ahead. If Shae detected his doubt, she didn’t show it but simply gave him ever reassurance that all was well in their world.
By the time he tucked Shae into bed, he became aware that the day had gone by pretty fast. Shae’s eyes mesmerized him. They exuded peace and were an endless window to a crystal soul. When he gazed into them, all he felt was peace. Are all kids like this? He didn’t remember detecting the same sensation from any adult’s eye.
As Nathan stepped off the last step he felt alone with himself and didn’t like the feeling at all. Whereever peace was, it wasn’t in his heart. Slumping down into the sofa he stared at the blank TV for a few moments debating whether to turn it on and zone out. What else was there? He didn’t feel like reading. He didn’t feel like doing anything else. Television isn’t what he liked or preferred to do but at least it was sound. He turned the TV on to low and returned to the sofa. Still feeling empty, his mind swimming in confusion, he finally rose and went to the liquor cabinet where he retrieved a bottle of Jack Beam. Normally he’d never touch the stuff durng the week. Right now, it felt familiar.
Five drinks later and slouching more than sitting, Nathan had finally shut his mind down. Like the leaning tower of Nathan,
The next day they migrated over to the nearby playground Nathan drove by every morning on his way to work. He and Trevor had come to the ball park to practice pitching but this was the first time he had been to the actual playground.
Shae bounced off to play with the kids as if she were like any other normal kid. He couldn’t help but notice that even though Shae said nothing the kids always seemed to know what to do and what came next. He is roused from his reverie by a striking looking afro-American woman in her mid to late thirties. She greeted him warmly.
“My name is Sue. That is my son over there.”
Nathan’s eyes followed her pointer finger. He spotted a boy quite a bit larger than Shae who immediately went to her.
“Are you Shae’s Dad? This is the first time I’ve seen you here.”
Nathan ignored her question, his eyes following the boy as he moved quite quickly making clicking sounds as he went.
“Is there something wrong with your kid?”
As the words left his mouth he was acutely aware that tact was not his finest quality.
“His name is Tod and he is blind and no there is nothing wrong with him.”
“He knows the playground well.”
“Are you Nathan, Shae’s Dad?”
” Yes...yes I am.”
” Where’s Claudia? “
Nathan’s discomfort with the question was transparent.
”Staying with her parents for a while.”
”Her parents are fine as far as I know.”
”Ah...I see… I don’t mean to pry.”
In the silence that wasn’t so golden Nathan worked up his courage to tell the truth; it was easier to remember. “We’re taking some time out right now. I l-l-lost, I ... was fired… yesterday.” That felt better and awful all at once.
”I’m sorry to hear that. It may be the best thing that could’ve happen to you. Most of the women who come to this playground are married to men who aren’t at home or the nanny brings the kid.”
”What’s good about that?”
”Nothing...”
”Yeah sure, but at what cost?”
She left abruptly to check on Tod who was getting a bit too close to a few older kids who weren’t known for their community-mindedness. On her return Nathan, rather brazenly, asked,”So what’s the story on your son? Why does he click?”
”He’s been blind from the age of five. He’s sensitive to sound so he’s learned to navigate much like dolphins do. He can detect large objects. It’s the moving ones that give him a bit more trouble, but he’s learning. It’s a newer approach to mobility for the blind.”
Nathan snorted. “I don’t believe that!”
The disdain in his voice was palpable. Sue turned to stare him in the face astonished that the self-evident would be this unbelievable.
”So what do you think you’re looking at?”
Nathan’s face showed a mixture of certainty about being right and uncertainty about seeing a seven year-old ripping around the playground while clicking away.
”It’s hocus-pocus. Woo-woo stuff!”
Sue laughed. She had heard worse.
”Well that woo-woo stuff has given my son the freedom of independence. So hocus-pocus is OK by me...” Feeling like the conversation had no where else to go she added, “Well ... time to go!“
As she turned to call for Tod she tossed back an after thought.
Tod was at her side in a heartbeat and as the two headed off together Nathan realized his curiousity was piqued. He also felt a bit insulted.
Sue spoke over her shoulder declaring her schedule as she moved. “Most days about this time. Nice meeting you!”
Nathan looked around him, now noticing the parents at the playground. He is the only man his age. Stark minority. It felt odd. Calling Shae over, he asked her...as an experiment, ”Shae, do you and Tod communicate?” The response arrived, soundlessly as a voice in his head, “Tod can see. He doesn’t need eyes. We hear thoughts.”
Shaking his head in puzzled disbelief, Nathan took her hand and they left, father and daughter, hand in hand.
Copyright 2009 Dawna H. Jones All rights reserved. Twitter feedback to EPDawna.
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